I am so glad you are here…It helps me to realize how beautiful my world is. – Rilke
Today is my mom’s 60th birthday, and to say I am thankful for her is an understatement. I am amazed by her…by her kindness, her courage, her creativity, her patience. She just exudes love. I was recently going through my old journals from after Eliza’s birth and came across this one. It brought me back to those early days and brought me to tears in the process. Tears for the grieving mama writing it just over a year ago…but mostly tears of gratitude for the mama I get the privilege to call my own. I am so glad she is here, reminding me always how beautiful my world is and making it more beautiful all the time for her presence in it.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I don’t know where to begin exactly…so much has happened since I last wrote, and I’m kicking myself for not capturing the moments as they were happening – finding out we would be discharged last Thursday, the last day and night spent there in the NICU knowing everything was about to change in a big way, the rollercoaster of emotions that first night home, and now this latest rupture: the departure of my mom. My mom who has been by my side every day of this journey since before it even began. My mom, who encouraged me through contractions and held my leg through every push. My mom, who stood beside me as we saw Derrick and a nurse walk ominously down the recovery hall without that baby. My mom, who became a single parent all over again raising my other baby girl, cuddling the new one, and comforting her own daughter as I got the diagnosis. She was there in the room. She was there for all of it. Every important moment was tinted by the soft light of her enduring presence, hope, and love. She changed everything for me. For all of us, I think. I know she created a bond with both girls that is special…one that will last forever. I don’t know how she stayed so calm, so positive and patient. I only know I am fairly certain that I couldn’t if I was her, and I know I couldn’t without her. She allowed me to grieve without pitying or downplaying, and for the life of me, I don’t know how. I only know I am grateful. Grateful beyond words. It is an utterance only the heart can make and the Spirit can understand.